Root Causes of Conflict

Practical Female Psychology for the Practical Man - David Clare, Joseph South, Franco 2008

Root Causes of Conflict

You are the lovers rock

The rock that I cling to

You’re the one

The one I swim to in a storm.

Like a lover’s rock.

Lover’s Rock, by Sade

Most of us have been in a relationship where, at one point or another, we felt like we were engaged in a battle for power with our female counterpart. Certainly, we’ve all heard about such scenarios. In some cases the conflict can spiral into something downright nasty, such as verbal or physical abuse, resentment, guilt and shame, and finally, breakup or divorce.

It is important to note that some friction within a relationship is natural and can create a lot of good sexual tension, but only if it is handled properly.

In this chapter we will explain some root causes of relationship power struggles. We’ll also teach you some techniques for managing the relationship to your mutual benefit, while helping your partner to have a lot of fun and good feelings in the process. The authors love women very much, and this chapter is about creating a positive outcome for everyone.

Root Causes of Conflict

In our view, there are three root causes of conflict in a relationship:

1. Improper Screening

2. Mishandling of Early Frame Announcements

3. Failure to Establish Boundaries

Failure to properly handle the above-three items is a death sentence for long-term relationships. The first two items always need to be dealt with before a serious long-term relationship is undertaken. Setting proper boundaries is an ongoing process, and the man that doesn’t learn to set and insist on appropriate boundaries is running a serious risk as well. Let’s now examine each of these root causes of conflict in more detail.

Improper Screening

Millions and millions of people marry the wrong person. Without a strong social fabric that binds marriages together for the life of the partners, while also allowing the husband and wife some respite from each other, life-long marriage is quickly becoming a relic from an incomprehensible age. Lacking a culture that provides a rational mechanism for choosing a mate, how does a man choose a suitable wife for a prosperous and peaceful life? He does so by first learning to screen women for the traits he finds desirable. And, just as importantly, he must form an understanding of the price he will pay for getting involved with a woman with such traits.

For example, do you want a really hot woman? One who is hot now, and will be hot when she is 40? Well, do you have the libido to keep up with her? Or the emotional maturity to manage her libido for her? Can you mentally and emotionally handle the thought of her being constantly hit on by other men, every time she leaves the house? If not, then you may find yourself much happier with a woman a little less “hot.”

Female Integrity

To many men, the very notion of female integrity is an oxymoron of the highest caliber. Right up there with “military intelligence.” However, we believe it’s unproductive to hold women to the same standard of integrity as men, especially in the modern world where women are not held accountable by society in the same way men are. A better way to come to grips with female integrity is to “trust the woman to act as a woman.”

For example, consider the female view of honesty and promises. Have you ever heard the aphorism “A woman is only as good as her word?”

Didn’t think so.

There is a double standard here. Do we need to mention that women will break promises with impunity, yet call a man out for doing the same? When a woman makes a promise, it’s because something made her feel a certain way. The reason for the double-standard is that when a woman makes a promise, this is what she actually believes to be true at the moment, based on her emotions. Later, when she feels differently, the promise is no longer valid. A promise from a man has a different meaning. Rational, or masculine integrity, standing by one’s word, is a predominantly-male concept. In addition, in the desire to right many oppressions against women, women generally have far lesser consequences to lying under the law; thus, lying becomes a habit.

Summarizing, we trust a woman to act with her integrity as a woman, not with our notions of integrity as men.

The Early Frame Announcement

The Early Frame Announcement (EFA) is a verbal or sometimes non-verbal frame that a woman establishes in her first interaction with a man she is attracted to. Using the EFA, the woman subcommunicates exactly how she will place certain needs of her own as absolute preconditions for the relationship itself to exist. Sometimes this is done consciously, sometimes unconsciously. You can consider a woman’s EFA to be a fairly rigid and inflexible statement of what she demands from the relationship.

Failure to detect the EFA can cost a man a lot of energy and possibly a lot material possessions. Therefore, understanding the concept of the EFA and being able to act accordingly are important skills for you to have. It’s crucial that you can determine quickly — right at the beginning of an interaction with a new woman — whether it is wise to invest yourself into a new romantic relationship, or not.

When properly applied, an understanding of the EFA can spare you from a lot of trouble and heartache. It’s important to always remember that, as a rule, most women will be totally inflexible with regards to their EFA, no matter how long the relationship may last.

A mistake that men often make is that they fail to take the EFA seriously. The most important quality in a woman is the way she treats you as a man. The EFA is usually a clear and unambiguous signal from the woman about the way she will treat you and why. So pay attention to it carefully.

Subcommunicating the EFA

It is important to understand that relationships are very important to women and that women have a compelling need to frame their relationships according to their emotional needs, which they reveal to us during the EFA. The EFA can also help us to determine what type of girl we are dealing with, as in Good Girl, Materialista or Adventuress, whether she is HSE or LSE, and in some cases, whether she is LD or HD.

Women will establish these EFAs from the beginning in a very sweet and subcommunicative way. They may not be direct. Few women are willing to expose themselves as Materialistas by bluntly stating “diamonds = sex,” or as Adventuresses by flatly saying something like, “I party with the fastest crowd I can find.” Consider the EFA like a “my way or the highway” frame, delivered in a sweet-and-silent, feminine way.

Accepting an EFA from a woman is a tacit admission that she has chosen you for a relationship. In extreme cases, she may demand not only very specific terms and behaviors from you, but she will predicate sexual availability on her EFA. In our experience, this is unworkable in this age of no-fault divorce. Even if not married, this makes it easier for her to break up on a pretext once whatever attraction there was dissipates, rationalizing with “The marriage wouldn’t have worked anyway.”

It cannot be emphasized too much that the EFA is something that all men should learn to listen for very carefully. In expressing her EFA, the woman is giving to the man a clear but subcommunicated message of her most important needs within the context of a relationship. It is vital to note that a woman will always put the needs that she expresses with her EFA above the man’s needs. These EFA-expressed needs of hers are even more important to her than the man himself!

Detecting a Woman’s EFA

Have you ever been on a first date with a woman and she starts prattling on about apparently random aspects of her personality or lifestyle? For example, she may say something like: “I am generous to a fault”, and yet expect you to pick up the tab. Such incongruity preys heavily on the mind of most men, who don’t understand that the women has just started dictating the terms of power in any forthcoming relationship. she has made an Early Frame Announcement (EFA).

The man that allows a woman to establish the entire frame of the relationship in such a manner, will most likely find that his needs come far, far behind the “needs of the relationship,” which means, her needs. Worse, he will wonder “What the hell is happening?” as he feels in his guts that his masculine power is evaporating. Ever notice how when a woman says “We”, your testicles seem to shrink?

Think for a moment about her statement, “generous to a fault.” To whom is her generosity extended and why? How could anyone’s genuinely-offered generosity be faulted? In this particular case, what she is subcommunicating here is “I, the woman, am going to do nice things, like arranging flowers for you, the man.” Notice what happens if the man remarks that flowers aren’t really his cup of tea. Because the woman established this martyr-like frame early on, she now has a mechanism for displacing all the responsibility for her bad feelings onto the man: “He doesn’t appreciate anything I do.” And she will use this like a whip to subjugate the male. We call this behavior “betaization,” a process we believe is evolutionarily driven, inexorable, and largely unconscious.

The ramifications of unconditionally accepting a woman’s EFA are many and varied, but all lead to the same end: the subjugated male. This is ultimately an unhappy result for the vast majority of men and women in relationships. (We don’t speak for — or judge — those happy couples in fully role-reversed relationship where the woman dominates a submissive man.) From the current example, a woman who is “generous to a fault” will shower her man with unwanted gifts and attention, while using guilt and shame to manipulate his behavior.

Some Examples of the EFA

“My former boyfriend was aggressive and he abused me.”

Translation: “I will be horny for you and appreciate you only if you will abuse me in the relationship.”

Now, many will object to the translation shown above and say that we are being misogynistic, or worse. Perhaps the woman is stating that she unwittingly became involved with an abusive man and no longer wishes to have relationships with such a man.

Consider, please, the well-known psychological tenet that indicates we are attracted to certain types of people for a reason. People tend to repeat the same types of relationships over and over again in their lives. A woman may consciously feel she needs to stay away from abusive men and she may even know that these types of relationships are not good for her. But the fact remains that she accepted — and on some level enjoyed — a sexual relationship with a man of this nature.

We suggest that there is no way a woman would enter and remain in a sexual relationship with a man whom she does not feel a strong sexual attraction for, especially when there are aspects of that relationship which are clearly unpleasant. Sexual attraction is the core of a sexual relationship, and with her EFA, the woman is clearly telling you what type of men she gets sexual with, or, what personality she will eventually subconsciously try to extract from the men she gets sexual with.

In the translation shown above, many men have reported that this is precisely what happens when they find themselves in a relationship with a woman who has previously been in several abusive relationships. There will come a time when she will seem to be trying very hard to provoke a violent reaction from him. She may not be doing this consciously, but now you understand why this happens. The important point is that it is far easier to know and deal with this at the outset of a relationship, once the EFA has been delivered, than it will be later once you have already enjoyed sexual relations with her for a time.

“I like men who know what they want and take charge.”

Translation: “I will relax and put all the responsibility for my life upon you, as soon as we start our relationship.”

This kind of woman can be delightful to be around. Just be aware that she may also be extremely passive-aggressive, and perhaps depressive as well.

“I love jewels... they make me so happy!”

Translation: “In our relationship, I will demand material possessions from you in exchange for love and sex.”

The classic Materialista. You’ve been warned.

“I often like to go dancing late at night. I don’t understand people who like to sit on the couch and watch television.”

Translation: “I want to have fun in any relationship and be out late at night, either with you, or without you. You can expect that I will frequently come home drunk from the club.”

Warning: if you don’t know how to handle a woman like this, you’re asking for trouble!

“I just love to spend my time with my girlfriends after work. It is so refreshing to chat with them.”

Translation: “I only want to have fun while I am with you. Don’t even think to stop me from doing that when we are in a relationship together.”

“I need my space in a relationship.”

Translation: “I am the most important person in this relationship and you will have to practically beg me to get any affection or sex.”

Be wary of attempting any sort of long-term relationship with a woman stating this EFA. An acquaintance of David’s has been trying to date one of these “socially responsible” women, someone who has volunteered for service in a primitive nation halfway a around the world. Of course, she needed her space. His acquaintance finally wised up after several months and went out and scored some one-night stands at a local hotspot. He rightly figured he was being used as her backup boyfriend, in case she wasn’t able to find someone of a more socially conscious stripe during her service. Her later response went something like: “Well, I didn’t think you actually would date other women!” That was a gross insult to his masculinity, and clearly shows her actual opinion of him: lovable loser, boyfriend of last resort, etc.

On the other hand, women stating this frame can make excellent partners for friends with benefits (FB) relationships. Which, in fact may be what they are actually looking for in the first place. Such women may possibly be married, or have a “real” boyfriend elsewhere. Who knows? Who cares? Enjoy this kind of woman for who she is and do not trouble yourself with investing too much of your time and energy into her. When she wants more from the relationship, be assured, she will let you know.

Setting Proper Boundaries

It is vitally important that you know what you want out of your life and what you expect from your relationships with women. You should not allow any feeling of neediness or desperation for a relationship to interfere with recognizing a woman’s EFA and making it clear — at least to yourself — that your boundaries will not be violated.

It’s important to realize that every human being is unique, and what is perfectly acceptable female behavior to one man may be unacceptable to another man. The point of learning to recognize a woman’s EFA is not to judge her or think badly of her, but to make good judgments for your own time and energy. Therefore, one of the keys to maintaining power in your relationships is knowing what you want from women.

Given that there are literally billions of women on our planet, and probably millions within driving distance of where you live, there is simply no reason to accept bad behavior from the women you choose to invest your time and energy — and perhaps money — into relationships with.

It’s important that a woman understands from the outset that you are a man who knows what his core values are in life and cannot be swayed from them. We are not talking about being intransigent or having an inability to negotiate or compromise in general, however, there should be certain principles in your life that you rarely violate, if ever. Let’s say, for example, that you’ve decided not to do drugs. It would be completely inappropriate for you to violate this principle in an effort to appease your wife or girlfriend, in the vain hope of placating her.

To same extent, if you’ve made certain hobbies or friendships to be important parts of your life, you should never start to retreat from these things if your woman starts to give you grief about them. You might think that — when your woman is complaining about your friend Bobby — that she really wants you to curtail or eliminate your friendship with him, but more than likely, she is subconsciously testing your inner resolve, to determine whether you are a man who can be swayed by a woman’s emotional manipulation, or not. This is counterintuitive but crucial! Making the wrong choices when it comes to your boundaries and your woman’s attempts to push back on them can result in a loss of sexual attraction and increased demands from her.

Practical Advice

The easiest way to preempt a women’s EFA is by simply being her Prince right from the start. Sweep her right off her feet. If she has chosen you for sexual engagement — and choosing for sexual engagement is the woman’s prerogative — then you should take her there so fast that she is powerless to resist. Make her weak in the knees. Let her feel herself toppling into you. Give her an out-of-body experience, a seduction she can brag about to her friends: “I had no choice, I couldn’t help it.” If you don’t have such seduction skills, acquire them. It’s much less expensive to spend a couple of years and few thousand dollars developing seduction skills than it is to be married for years in an unsatisfying marriage, especially if the marriage eventually fails.1 If you plan on being married one day, or are already married, or still married, as the case may be, learning real seduction skills will pay off. Just because Dear Wife is married doesn’t mean she doesn’t want to be seduced. Think of it the other way around: just because you’re married doesn’t mean you don’t want a blow job.

Lacking a memorable seduction to kick start a relationship, the most important thing for establishing harmonious relationships with women is to use the EFA proactively. Set boundaries for both her and the relationship directly, whenever appropriate. Screen her behavior for general compliance. Louis and Copeland [9] refer to the entire suite of these activities as “managing [her] relationship expectations.” The more intimate the relationship, the more the woman needs to earn her role in that relationship in order to be happy. No one values anything they get for free. When you price-tag your time and energy in this way, you are actually giving the woman a gift that most men are incapable of giving.

1Franco seduces his wife on a regular basis. David Clare seduces his girlfriend at least several times a month. Mr. South, well, Mr. South is just one of those kinds of guys.