The man is the head of the household, and the woman is the neck.
— Rev. Jerry Falwell
Women manipulate. This is sure as the sun rising in the east. Manipulation occurs because of inferior physical strength and centuries of male domination; it’s women’s source of power and they are generally very good at it. It helps them to feel like they are on more of an equal footing with men. Manipulation is largely subconscious; women saw their mothers doing it, too.
As noted previously, we do not make a judgement call about the moral content of manipulation, other than to say that manipulation is good when it furthers a relationship in a positive way, and bad when it is destructive to either partner in the relationship, or to the children within the structure of a family.
In this chapter, we describe many forms of manipulation employed by females, including manipulation that we have not seen described elsewhere. Along with our descriptions, we provide examples and suggestions for countering manipulation as it occurs.
The emotional Double Bind is one of the primary means used by females to manipulate males. It’s a powerful psychological mechanism by which the female of our species commonly binds the mind of the male so as to have him invest his energy into her, with the ultimate purpose of procreation and the safe upbringing of her children. The primary effect of the Double Bind on a man’s mind is to have him puzzled. A man will naturally try to solve any puzzle that is presented to him, and particularly if it involves a female that he is sexually attracted to. By so doing, he invests more and more of his psychological energy into the particular female. Another way to describe the effect of the Double Bind on the male mind is to induce “paralysis of analysis”. In cruder terms, you can also think of the colloquialism, “damned if you do, damned if you don’t,” when it comes to the Double Bind.
Think, for example, of the following words, dreaded by men everywhere: “Does this dress make me look fat?” The correct, logical answer is probably yes, it does make her look fat; otherwise, she wouldn’t be asking. If it does make her look fat, stating the fact insults her, but declaring that it doesn’t make her look fat exposes you as a liar. Now you’re in trouble; you’re damned either way. No worries, we’ll revisit this situation later in the chapter.1
Description of the Double Bind
The Double Bind concept was first introduced to the scientific world by Gregory Bateson (9 May 1904 4 July 1980). Bateson was a British anthropologist, social scientist, linguist, and cyberneticist whose work intersected that of many other fields, including psychiatry. Bateson described the Double Bind as a communication paradox, first observed in families with a schizophrenic member. A true Double Bind requires several conditions to be met:
1. The victim of the Double Bind receives contradictory injunctions, or emotional messages on different levels of communication (for example, love is expressed by words, while hate or detachment is expressed by nonverbal behavior; or a child is encouraged to speak freely, but criticised or silenced whenever he or she actually does so).
2. No meta-communication is made possible; for example, it is not permissible to ask which of the two messages is valid or to describe the communication as making no sense.
3. The victim cannot leave the communication field.
4. Failing to fulfill the contradictory injunctions is punished, for example by the withdrawal of love.
An Example of a Double Bind in Action
A woman will often say — in a dramatic and emotional manner — something along the lines of, “you don’t understand my feelings!”
If the male qualifies himself to her and tries to understand why she would say such a thing, then she will invariably keep on repeating the frame: “You don’t understand my feelings”. She will do so in many different ways, so that the man will feel compelled to put more and more of his mental energy into her.
On the other hand, if the male does not qualify himself to her, she may repeat, over and over, something like: “You see, I told you, you do not understand my feelings!”
As Bateson describes, what will happen in such a case will be as follows:
1. Contradictory injunctions. No matter what the man says within the woman’s frame of “understanding emotions,” he loses. In fact, his attempt to even engage her on the topic in a logical manner demonstrates to the her he lacks fundamental emotional skills.
2. No meta-communication possible. Meta-communication is the psychological skill of analyzing and discussing different models of communication used between individuals. This skill is usually taken for granted among psychologically healthy adults, but as the woman shuts this possibility off from the male, he will face her Double Bind without any chance of discussing its content with her.
3. The victim (feels he) cannot leave the communication field. This is because the Double Bind causes the victim to invest ever-increasing amounts of psychological energy into the person delivering the Double Bind.
When the Double Bind is used within the context of a romantic relationship, it assumes important biological and physical aspects. Human males are strongly driven towards the female by both visual sexual attraction and the need for affection. Therefore, when a woman uses a Double Bind, the man is not usually motivated to withdraw; instead, he often becomes motivated to invest even more energy into the relationship.
4. Failing to fulfill the contradictory injunctions is punished, for example by the withdrawal of love. This is counterintuitive.
Once a woman has caused a man to invest his psychological energy into her by means of the Double Bind, he is now in a very vulnerable position. She can now easily make the man do whatever she wants, and she can punish non-compliance with the withdrawal of her affection and sex.
In the long run, allowing Double Binds to proliferate within a relationship is enormously destructive. Failure to understand and properly handle double bind manipulation can have an extremely-destructive effect on male self-esteem. Repeated use of the Double Bind by the female becomes a lose/lose situation for both parties: he loses his self-esteem, while she loses respect for him. Over time, a woman can become completely demotivated to be altruistic to the man in any way, because by dominating the man’s mind, he progressively loses any evolutionary value he may have had in her eyes.
What follows are more examples of Double Binds:
“I need a man who is comfortable talking with me, who is able to express his feelings”
“Men who talk too much are wussies.”
“I don’t like really muscular men, they are usually too egotistical”
“A man without big muscles is surely a wussy.”
“I want a man who knows how to lead me and make me feel secure”
“I want a man who respects my freedom and does not try to boss me around.”
“I go only go out with a certain type of man...”
“unless I’m in love, then all bets are off.”
By delivering such contradictory messages, a woman intends to have the man invest his energy into arguing with her about the content of what she said and then, following the pattern of the Double Bind, she will try to induce guilt and anxiety in the man. Note that each of the messages above simply reflect the woman’s feelings at the particular time she was talking. Keeping that in mind goes a long way towards being able to handle the logical contradictions inherent in Double Binds.2
1Joseph: A cocky thing that I sometimes like to say in this situation is, “no honey, the dress doesn’t make you look fat, your fat makes you look fat!” All the while, I will escalate the physical component of the interaction. This is a high-risk, high-gain move.
2Remember: the vast majority of women manipulate unconsciously, and without malice. Be the man that can look past the double bind, seeing it as an expression of some underlying emotion the woman may not be comfortable discussing, or may not even be aware of.
Practical Advice: Breaking the Double Bind
There is a very effective way to negate the effect of the Double Bind. It is not nice, fair or democratic, but it is the only method that works consistently.
The rule is that you must recognize that every Double Bind has some specific content. Then, you must refuse to buy into frame set by the content. For example, as in the examples listed above, the content could “listening/not listening to the woman” or “having/not having muscles”. You must, therefore, reject the content itself. For example:
Woman: “You never share your emotions with me!”
Franco: “Yeah. So scratch my back please!”
Notice that the above conversation sounds exactly like an interaction which might occur between two schizophrenics. Here, Franco simply does not buy into the frame of the Double Bind. At this point, women will divide themselves into one of three groups:
1. Some women will react to the man’s adept handling of the Double Bind with increased sexual desire.
2. Women who are for one reason or another unconsciously suppressing their sexual receptiveness, and especially if they are intensely seeking a Provider, will simply cut their interaction with the man at this point.
3. Women who are consciously trying to suppress their sexual attraction — perhaps because of political ideology or because they are seeking to extract money from the man — will either change their attitude and become friends with the man, or cut off their interaction with the man.
As a man, this is exactly what you want! You want sexually receptive females to stick around, and you want the sexually non-receptive females to either disappear or simply become your platonic friend.
Breaking a Double Bind requires taking the frame of interaction back from the woman, and then emotionally leading her away from the arena of conflict.
Another effective way to do this is to not get upset but to accept her emotionally-driven assertion, then use male logic in an impudent way. If this produces a sharp emotional reaction in the woman, then escalate sexually, if logistically possible and if you so desire. Actually, it is highly impudent to escalate sexually at a seemingly inappropriate time, and that can often work very well. Once the woman’s mind turns to sex, the Double Bind becomes irrelevant. Continuing with our opening example:
Woman: Does this dress make me look fat?
David Clare: Yeah, a big fat butt, that’s what I like, gonna get me some big fat butt (pets her butt).
3Note well: this works for David Clare because he likes his woman’s butt just the way it is, something she can feel in his words and touch.
AB Indecision is one way a woman will test a man on his leadership skills. She can also use this as a signal to him that she is “officially” turning over control to him, provided he is man enough to take it. This situation comes up when a woman feels insecure about a man’s ability to lead. Here is what it sounds like:
Wife: Let’s go out to eat.
Man: Sure, where would you like to go?
Wife: Oh, I don’t know.
Man: (A) How about seafood?
Wife: No... too many calories... (whine whine)
Man: (B) Ok, we’ll go to a salad bar.
Wife: (Indecision) Ooohhh... I just went there a few days ago and some “thing” happened that made me feel bad (she blames the environment for her emotions).
Man: (Starting to lose patience... wife won’t tell him what she wants.) Well just tell me what you want!
Wife: Well fine! If you’re going to act like that, I don’t want to go out anymore.
If you recognize yourself here, you know that drama will now ensue, for no discernible reason. Bad feelings will develop, old wounds will be reopened, and in the worst case, incidents like this can trigger the resumption of huge conflicts.
Let’s try this again.
Wife: Let’s go out to eat.
Man: Sure, where would you like to go?
Wife: Oh, I don’t know.
Man: (A) How about seafood?
Wife: No too many calories.
Man: (B) Ok, we’ll go to a salad bar.
Wife: (Indecision) Ooohhh... I just went there a few days ago and some thing happened that made me feel bad.
Man: Well, I’m hungry, and I’m going to get some pizza. You’re welcome to join me, or not, but I am leaving now (grabs coat).
Now, it is absolutely critical for this man to go get some pizza. She will probably — at the last minute — grab her coat and go with you. If she doesn’t, do not bluff! Leave her at home to sulk. Bring her back a piece of pizza. If she apologizes, you are on the right track. If she spurns it, simply throw it away and ignore her. She will probably ask later where it is; tell her you threw it in the garbage, and go to get it for her out of the garbage. It’s absolutely critical to hold your frame completely. No matter what she says about the pizza (too fattening, too greasy, she ate it for lunch, whatever), just go. She can sit and watch you eat. If she suddenly gets hungry, make her get her own food, or make her work for a bite of yours. In other words, price-tag it. For example, if she does something nice, she gets a mushroom, or a pepperoni. At this point, you have the frame, and she is yours to do with what you will.
Does that still sound like too much work? Good, because it is. Let’s try a third time:
Wife: Let’s go out to eat.
Man: I like the way you think. Grab your coat and keys, you’re driving.
Wife: Where are we going?
Man: (Spins her around) We’ll know when we get there!
The man in example one failed miserably is because he made some critical mistakes. First of all, he expected the woman to take the lead in decision-making, something that most women are loathe to do. Secondly, he tried address her emotions with logic. The woman was trying to communicate “Let’s have fun!” and/or “I’m hungry!” with the expectation that the man would provide her with this, while the man was busy arguing over her emotional state.
In the second example, the man still failed to provide her with the good emotions she was seeking, but at least he avoided arguing logically with her regarding her emotions.
As you can see, the basic structure of AB Indecision is when two or more “choices” — both equally agreeable to the man — are disqualified by the woman on emotional rather than logical grounds. Once a man learns that statements such as “Let’s go out to eat.” really mean “I’m bored, entertain me!”, then these kinds of situations can actually be quite enjoyable, because they provide opportunities to play. Once you have mastered this, when a woman says “Let’s go out to eat!” you will hear “Let’s play!”
Bait and Switch
The Bait and Switch probably costs more men more grief than any other technique in women’s arsenals. Succinctly, the Bait and Switch is just what it sounds like: offer something of value, then switch the valuable thing to a worthless thing once the hook is set. Women are very cognizant about this tactic; it has even been written up in Cosmopolitan magazine as a sure-fire way to get a guy interested in a relationship. So how does it work?
It’s pretty simple. Did you ever know a guy that stated mournfully “My wife used to be so into Trucks/Camping/Beer Bonging before we got married. Now, she gives me a huge ration of shit whenever I want to do it, and I don’t care if she comes along anymore.” Bait and Switch, gentlemen, Bait and Switch. Wifey baited with some fun activity, set the hook (pussy), then removed it once she got what she wanted (marriage, or a committed, long-term relationship).
This works so well because so many guys have this fantasy of women as “dudes with tits.” That is, they want the male-oriented companionship, but with a woman whom they can have sex with when they get horny, instead of jerking off. We suspect that this fantasy runs very strong in men lacking normal socialization, and possibly among many otherwise-normal men as well. Natural ladies men know better than this, understanding that women are best enjoyed for their unique, womanly charms, and not to provide emotional validation equivalent to male bonding.4
It is important to note that the Bait and Switch is also a female test to detect weaker males, or weaker-male behavior. We have observed an increase in sexual desire in many females when the male is not effected by the mental power of the Bait and Switch. Therefore it is very good business for a man to learn to deal properly with this female mechanism.
Detecting the Bait and Switch
How do you know when the Bait and Switch game is afoot? When a woman shows apparently-sincere interest in something you do for fun, something you do that occupies your time away from her. Are you a surfer and she has never surfed in her life, but now, she has a sudden, overwhelming passion to surf? Watch out, buddy, because this is exactly how a Bait and Switch is set up. If you must, take her out on a special trip once in a while, make sure to show her lots of affection, and bone her silly afterwards. But take her only once in a while. Interestingly, a recent issue of Surfer Magazine had an article on this very topic: How to take a surf trip with your girlfriend. Their advice: pretty much same as ours.5
Breaking the game is easy once you can recognize it: simply treat any excursion as a normal date and plan accordingly. Make sure that is just uncomfortable enough for her that she won’t want to do it again, but that the discomfort is from her lack of experience, from being out of shape, or from anything at all other than some way to blame you. And no matter how shitty it is, with crappy weather, filthy conditions, or whatever it is that bothers her, make sure that you absolutely revel in those conditions! You love being hot, cold, dirty, tired, thirsty, hungry or whatever, right? Have a great time! This will allow her to respect you, and to politely limit her future involvement. You can reinforce this by making sure to invite her out again once in a while, when the conditions are equally shitty.
An even better way to break the game is simply smile and nod: “Sure baby, I would love to take you climbing,” but never actually do it. Or, drag it out and make her really, really work for the privilege. Once your inner game is locked on, you won’t want the woman around for these activities anyway. It won’t be validating to have her there; it will simply be a pain in the ass.
4Joseph: In industrial Canada, female competition for good Providers is fierce. The men do a lot of physical labor but make very good money doing it. It is not a coincidence that a majority of young women here are extremely-avid hockey fans.
5David Clare once dated a woman who had a wild, kinky side to her. He fell in love with her! Well, it turns out that part of her kink was the chase itself. Once she “caught him,” the sex dried up, literally, and she started pressuring him about “the relationship.” He figured out that, since the great sex was steadily diminishing as the level of commitment increased, he would promptly break up with her. He explained that he had already been through the Bait and Switch with his ex-wife. Her response: “That bitch! Your bitch ex-wife ruined you!”
A man works hard to provide for his family, maybe in a job he dislikes. The hardworking man then commutes home. Maybe the train is packed full of people, or the traffic is snarled. The hardworking man opens his door wanting nothing more than a few moments of peace and quiet. But he knows there is a top level predator in his home — a female of the species homo sapiens — lurking in ambush, near the door. She has been “waiting all day” for the hardworking man’s return. She is full of unspent emotion and lists of things for him to do. Her emotion must be dissipated immediately. The man must be put to work immediately. The hard working man’s stress level rises another notch. He knows what is to transpire: As soon as his shoe crosses the threshold, she will launch herself at him with a litany of complaints and incessant chatter about meaningless aspects of her uneventful day.
It happens every day. He feels powerless.
This is unacceptable. A man’s home should be his castle. A place of peace and refuge. But, what to do?
A woman’s emotionality is compelling. A woman — and especially a modern woman — often feels that she has the absolute right to express her emotions freely, regardless of the opinions or reactions of those around her. This is especially true with regards to her romantic partner.
Especially with women with a high sex drive (HD), the approach of “Please let me rest when I come home from work” is not likely to be too effective by itself. This very-understandable male demand will usually face resistance from the woman. A woman understands — subconsciously, in her deeper, biological level of instinct — that if she does not comply with his demand, he will be forced to either:
1. Get angry with her. This will betaize him, though not as badly as can be expected under some alternatives. She will use his anger to to try to make him feel guilty about “treating her badly”. In worst-case scenarios, she may use his reactions to try to demonstrate that he is mentally abusive or that he cannot control himself.
2. Start to qualify to her about her demands. This move is totally betaizing. In this case, in order to achieve peace at home, he will have to pay a heavy price to her, such as do favours for her, and comply with her demands for attention. In this scenario, men who often completely Alpha at work end up in a completely Beta position at home.
3. Abandon his territory to go “hunting”. This man will usually end up doing business all the time, or will spend a lot of time in the apartments of the other women he has hunted.6
4. Become a tyrant. As a man, you may very well feel that it is not fair or right for a man to not be able to relax in your own territory — your home — after you’ve done all you can for your family and your woman. Many men go through a difficult moral struggle on this point once they realize that being polite and considerate is not having any effect against the Ambush.
It is important to understand that this female behavior seems to have deep biological roots based on primary survival instincts. For many years now, the dynamics of family therapy and counseling has made men feel guilty for supposedly not grasping the female need for communication. In fact it is true that a man should understand a female’s need for communication, but that does not mean he should comply with manipulation or forfeit peace and quiet on his territory. Our policy has been to show understanding of the female need for communication, but only when the process of the communication does not indicate an attempt at manipulation or an ambush against our peace in the home.
The male biological brain structure is such that relaxation and silence during the times between battles and hunting are vital needs. When a woman tries to keep a man from doing that, she is in effect manipulating him when he is at his weakest point.
6Franco: I remember a man whom I coached who had slept at his place of business for ten years! His wife had the habit of giving him constant emotional outbursts while he was driving his car, with every single change in direction. At home, this man could not move a thing without having to face drama.
Some Practical Help: Focus on the Process
Men suffering from the Ambush are in a difficult position. Any attempts to negotiate the issue of your need for tranquility in the home may encounter resistance from her. Democratic-style discussion usually does not work. Instead, tell her your need for silence and relaxation on your territory and establish simple guidelines rules within your household with regards to that. Verbal appreciation and physical escalation (if you have energy for that) may help reduce the drama, especially if you as a man are able to very rapidly dissipate her emotional tension.
If such efforts prove fruitless, find for yourself a couple of hours of relaxation with your friends in bars or restaurants before you finally go home. Franco does this with good success, finding that once he has relaxed from the work day it is much easier to emotionally engage at home. Another great method for minimizing the impact of the Ambush — if you can afford it — is to have more than one apartment or at least a private room that is totally separate from the rest of the home. Your studio or library should become a place dedicated to relaxation and peace of mind.
It is vitally important that you focus on the process of your verbal interactions with women, much more so than the content. If you are unaware of the process — which can happen when you get caught up in the specific words that a woman is saying — you can quickly become betaized.
New studies about jealousy seem to indicate that it is a strong, primitive instinct, which is meant to increase competition for sex between individuals. In other words, it is preserved in evolution because it has the positive purpose of increasing pregnancies. It is similar to what is achieved by the sensations of thirst or hunger in that it is designed to preserve human life.
The emotion of jealousy can therefore be viewed in a positive light, since it is meant to motivate people towards procreation. It is, in fact, crucial that you frame the emotion of jealousy as something natural and even positive. A man who is unable to put jealousy in proper context puts his emotional safety, his mental health and possibly even his assets at great risk.
Jealousy is widely used by females — whether consciously or not — as a means to control her male love interest. This is connected with her drive to maximize the profit she can gain by having a man fall into the role of Provider with her.
One especially common case you’ll notice is that women will tend to create for you mental images of competition with other men. For example, a woman will often describe interactions with other men in vague ways, such that you start to really wonder whether she has any sexual involvement with these men, but you are unable to logically conclude it either way. She will usually do this in a subtle, even unconscious manner.
In this way, she is acting upon your strong instinctual drive to procreate. Women will tend to do this at all stages of a relationship.
It should therefore obvious why — if you are not able to properly handle your jealousy instinct — a woman you find attractive will easily be able to manipulate you into doing what she wants, such as marry her or support her financially, whether or not doing so coincides with your own best interests.
An important point to note here is that we are talking about mental images. These images do not necessarily mean that women will cheat on you. They simply indicate that you have been actually hypnotized by the woman’s use of language, such that you find yourself in an altered mental state. You may very well start to feel that in order to be able to procreate with the particular woman you will have to please her, so as to avoid her being impregnated by other men.
Realize that it is the instinct of preserving life in you which can put you at the mercy of the woman! The positive drive towards the preservation of life is acting upon you. Allow yourself to feel the emotion of jealousy, but do not let the hypnotic effect of the woman’s words affect your better judgement!
Words can have a hypnotic effect on the brain. This has been demonstrated by science by measuring the effects of auditory stimulation on brain activity, magnetic resonance and positron emission tomography.
Our experience in dealing with women matches that of many professional hypnotists: the richer you describe an experience to another person, the more you will have that person actually live and feel that experience for themselves.
A Rich Description is a distinctive trait of femininity. Men, — especially very masculine men — communicate primarily by exchanging data. They tend not to use redundant, Rich Descriptions. Men can enjoy spending hours exchanging facts but they will not usually enjoy richly describing them.
For example, a man who wants to talk about his experience at the gym with another male friend will typically express it like this:
“I was at the gym. I had a hell of a workout tonight!”
On the other hand, a woman talking about her experience at the gym might describe it more like this:
“Yesterday I was feeling so tired and depressed. Then I noticed my gym bag, the red one my aunt Mary gave me as a gift, and I started to remember how good I used to feel when I was exercising regularly. I started to feel like I wanted to get moving again! I used to be so much happier before when I was in shape! It was such a miserable, cold winter day yesterday, so I felt like I had better go to the gym.”
The purpose of the female’s use of Rich Descriptions in nature is linked to her need to manipulate her environment for the purpose of survival. By using Rich Descriptions in her conversations with the members of her social circle — and especially the males — she achieves the hypnotic effect of having those close to her desire to support her in her aims.
It is very important for you to recognize the hypnotic effect that female Rich Descriptions can have on the brain and to be ready to manage these effects within yourself. Again, your mental health and your assets can be put at risk if you do not!
Pouting and Whining
Pouting and whining are somewhat softer forms of manipulation seen in mammals. For example, dogs and cats clearly whine, and a pretty good case could be made that they engage in pouting as well. Both pouting and whining indicate a fundamental secession of authority, but they also represent of test of resolve. Whining comes from a place of weakness. Capitulating to whining comes from a weaker place yet. So don’t do it.
Both pouting and whining are easily dealt with by teasing, as well as appreciation. It is important that you do both at the same time. On the one hand, the woman has turned over her personal authority to you, which should be appreciated. On the other hand, the point under consideration is probably in nobody’s best interest, no matter how good it might feel to her to express her point in this way.
If the rest of the relationship is in order, then handling pouting can be as easy as this:
Her: “Whine whine pout pout” (The actual words are irrelevant, because her lower lip is stuck out)
You: “You are sooo cute when you pout!” (pinch her lower lip)
Practical Advice: Taking Action
One of the best ways a man can take action when being manipulated is using his birthright, which is his natural male logic. Women aren’t stupid; they can use logic as well as men. David Clare knows many female engineers and scientists, most of whom are quite good at logic. However, they usually don’t choose to use logic in relationships, because emotions work so much better for getting them what they want. When they use logic, they run a risk of losing the battle with their male counterpart.
In any case, if the man’s logic is good, and doesn’t hurt the woman’s material interest (it may confound her desire, greed, or whatever), then a normal, healthy woman will recognize it for what it is and, we believe, respect the man for using it. This will be the case even if she gets upset in the process, so long as the man retains his composure.
So many times we have heard women say, “I want a man who is smarter than I am.” We believe this — in part — means his ability to use logic in the sense we describe.
The key to using male logic requires two preconditions, both equally important:
1. Only apply logic to situations with a clear train of casuality, such as physical situations where B is clearly the result of A. For example, not paying bills results in calls from the collection agency, no matter what her “feelings” might be about bills, collection agencies, or whatever.
2. You as a man must be completely unengaged in the outcome. You must not care at all what she thinks or says about the situation. If she displays an emotional outburst to deflect her feelings or absolve herself from blame, you must absolutely retain your composure. In these situations, her opinion simply does not matter. Let her dissipate her emotion first, then you can engage her rationally.
This may sound unduly harsh. But there is big difference between really caring for a woman, and appeasing unacceptable behavior. The result is that you as a man will be able to provide necessary emotional strength to her, as she deals with emotions ranging from anger and embarrassment, to shame and disappointment.