Female Arousal and Sex Drive
Love to think that you couldn’t love another
I can’t help it... you’re my kind of man
— Bathwater, by No Doubt
We purposely put this chapter after the other chapters on screening, for several important reasons. First of all, sex is absolutely the core of any romantic relationship. In fact, we would go so far as to say that without a good sex life, you simply no longer have a romantic relationship, or at best, it is in a comatose state. Lack of sex that is satisfying to both partners in a relationship, however, is actually a symptom of deeper problems within a relationship. Later in the book, we will discuss important aspects of the male personality, which you can work on and improve, and in some cases even salvage a relationship that has gone sour. But it is certainly better to understand the type of woman you are dealing with before you become romantically involved.
Biological Differences in Sexual Drive
Before going any further, we emphasize that the material in this chapter generalizes and stereotypes women into what we consider extremely useful end member categories on a spectrum of sexual drive ranging from Low-drive (LD) to High-drive (HD). In reality, very few women occupy the end member positions in this spectrum. We assume that sexual drive is normally distributed (as shown in the figure) and that most women have tendencies towards LD or HD. We have also observed that the same woman may be either LD or HD depending on circumstances such as environment, her age or time of life, potential partners, relationship status, and stage of relationship. Some women will always be well to one side or the other in this spectrum. Calibrate to the woman in front of you.
Just as the woman’s sex drive is variable, so too the man’s. The vast majority of men and women are more “medium sex drive,” differing more in a relative sense than an absolute sense. In a relationship, more than likely the importance of HD/LD depends on where the man and woman are with respect to each other. For example, both the woman and the man may have lower than normal sex drives compared to the population at large. But one or the other will invariably have a sex drive higher than the other, and that’s where the juice is. As you read through this chapter, keep this point in mind, understanding that most likely, whether the woman is HD or LD has as much to do with your sex drive as with hers. And as much to do with your ability to arouse her romantic urges.
When evaluating female sexuality, men often forget that the woman is the one to get pregnant and carry children. Men are prone to project their own sexuality on the woman, feeling that a woman would feel and behave like a man in that regard. In so doing, men tend to forget that the main biological purpose of human sexuality — unromantic as it may seem — is pregnancy.
Low Drive vs. High Drive Women
In this book, we divide women into two rough groups:
1. HD women. Women with a relatively stronger sexual drive.
2. LD women. Women with a relatively weaker sexual drive.
HD women are evolutionarily and biologically programmed to get pregnant more easily. They are programmed to make more children but at the same time to be inferior mothers. LD women are programmed to be better mothers and yet less prolific in the matter of pregnancy. Our theory has absolutely no moral implications; it is simply a strategy of Nature to spread its investments into different directions, as it usually does in the evolutionary area.
Women who are HD tend to get aroused sexually by verbal stimulation and male dominance very fast, and at a very high degree. On the other hand, women who are LD need a much longer time and greater verbal stimulation to achieve the same degree of horniness. This is purposeful from Nature. The faster way in which HD women get aroused by verbal stimulation — and their tendency towards dramatic emotions — means that those women are more prone to get pregnant. On the other hand, LD women may need a huge amount of verbal stimulation and a much longer time to achieve the same degree of horniness. This makes LD women less dramatic and more dedicated to childcare.
One could say that HD women are more deliverers and LD women are more care givers. This is one of the biological reasons that the M/w Complex (Chapter 16) was invented in the first place: a male projection of the fear of HD women, and of the illusory sense of safety given to them by LD women.
Low Drive Women
Many LD women are very much under the influence of what we like to call the frame of “the knight coming from afar.” They are in a continuous state of preparing their hearts for their prince, whom they imagine as traveling great and difficult distances to come conquer the group and lead everyone within it. The worst mistake you can do with this kind of woman is to put yourself in the role a man who she has figured out completely. Instead, if you frame yourself as someone rare, exclusive and difficult to reach, and you maintain that frame at all times, then you can slowly influence a woman into more of an HD frame. How you do that in practical terms?
Our method is simply that you reduce the time you are with her. Think: short, quality time. Give vague answers to her questions. Keep longer breaks between interactions with her. When she asks about what you do, you can use these James Bond-style cocky but funny frames. For example:
• ”I was on a mission”
• ”I had someone to take care of..”
• ”I was flying to X”
• ”I was flying from Y”
Note that this James Bond frame is not simply saying these words. The words themselves convey only 7% percent of the meaning. Your tonality and body language must convey those James Bond attributes: Excitement! Adventure! Danger! Sex!
In other words, you want to keep yourself in a frame where you are seen by the LD woman as:
• Always coming and going to and from places where she
cannot reach you.
• Ambiguous and vague.
• Generally unavailable.
Unlike Franco and Joseph, David has a penchant for relatively LD women. David creates these kinds of interactions naturally by keeping a certain amount of his activity relatively close to the vest. Prematurely revealing intent before action may result in two situations conducive to reducing attraction. The first is that demonstration counts, talking doesn’t. The second is that most men will collapse in the face of female disapproval of their behavior. Keep your failures to yourself until the pain has passed. Keeping the mystery alive allows you to surprise her with success, instead of disappointing her with big talk and subsequent failure.
Contrary to this frame would be deeply sharing all of your ongoing activity, allowing her to feel both success and failure. There is great power here, under the condition that you are not supplicating for her approval of your activities, and that failure results only a powerful, shared emotional experience, not a complete masculine frame collapse. In other words, feel free to share anger, disappointment and pain, but take full responsibility, without ever whining. Given most women’s adroit capability for offloading responsibility, she will surely find a way to shift the blame from you to someone or something else. Let her.
Remember, once you are in a relationship with a woman, she wants to be attracted to you. Let these qualities emerge from within you; do not use them as manipulative techniques to compensate for emotional weakness, neediness or approval seeking. If you do, your outward appearance will eventually collapse into your weak, hollow core, and your soon-to-be ex-girlfriend will complain that you weren’t genuine.
High Drive Women
Two critical aspects of the HD woman must be understood. The first is that HD women crave being seduced and feeling masculine power just as much as LD women. The second is that drive and seducibility are not necessarily correlated. Some woman are easier to seduce than others, irrespective of their sex drive.
Due to the Madonna/whore complex, the The HD woman’s strong sexual drive has long been a taboo in our culture. The figure of the HD woman has always been identified with the figure of the whore. This kind of woman has inspired fear in men; fear of them not being able to satisfy her sexually and emotionally, and fear of the extreme appeal she exerts on masculine men.
The psychological profile of this woman is usually totally different from the LD woman. She is more prone to exhibit drama during conflict situations and throughout her relationships with men. What we refer to as “drama” is actually a means by which the cortical part of the brain tries to keep control over limbic system, during episodes of powerful hormonal effects of arousal.
In other words, an HD woman will also face strong internal, moral pressure from her superego — or strong outer pressure from society — in regards to controlling her arousal. When this pressure becomes strong enough, the woman will exhibit drama. Psychologists used to refer to this phenomenon as hysteria. The modern term for hysteria is dissociative behavior.
It’s very interesting to note how nature is working here: weaker men will tend to react to the HD woman’s drama by arguing or withdrawing out of fear or fatigue. However, the stronger the man is, the less he will fear the woman’s dissociative behavior and the more likely he is to successfully deliver to her some “medicine” that is likely to calm her down: great sex!
In our opinion, the natural purpose of the HD woman’s dissociative behavior or drama is to short-cirtuit male logic so that the male becomes sexually aggressive and more prone to cause a pregnancy. In fact, female drama is almost unbearable to the male brain and a man will tend do almost anything to get a release from that.
From our point of view, it follows that many home violence cases can be traced back to encounters between an LSE HD woman and an aggressive, LSE Alpha male who is unable to control his aggressive tendencies when faced with feminine drama.
Calibrating Sex Drive
Here is an interesting observation we’ve made through experience: you can calibrate the woman’s drive to your own drive over time. If you want things hotter, run more attraction material when you see her. And then, make sure you can sex her good everytime you see her, and do not take the sex for granted.
On the other hand, If you want to lower her sex drive, involve her more often in logical conversation, which will put her cerebral cortex to work, thereby overriding the emotional brain’s impetus towards sexual engagement. This is guaranteed to work for all women, except the few who are actually aroused by intellectual conversation!1
If you are an HD male, it makes sense that if you decide to have a particular woman as your primary (or only) sexual partner, that she should also be HD.
If you are more of an LD man, you will also want to choose a partner that is compatible with you in that regard, unless you are completely comfortable with the idea of her getting her needs met elsewhere on occasion. This doesn’t necessarily mean structuring a sexually open relationship, but it does mean taking the lead to help her effectively channel her emotional energy for your mutual benefit.
By learning how to calibrate to each woman, you will have a better idea whether you and your partner are sexually compatible. Before we get into details on how to screen a woman for either HD or LD, we need to understand some key differences between the way men and women think and function sexually.
1Women’s extraordinarily wide range of sexual blueprints again demonstrates nature’s strategy of widening the genetic pool.
When we consider sex drive alongside the factor of self esteem, we derive additional, different categories of women. Bear in mind that each of these qualities exist on a continuum, and what we are presenting here are archetypes. Calibrate accordingly to the woman or woman in your life.
The HSE/HD Woman
This type of woman is the dream of every man but not many men can actually deal with her. She has a very strong sexual drive backed up by a very good self-esteem. She is like a Ferrari with a strong motor and an experienced driver driving it. This type of woman will test her man — from the very beginning — for leadership qualities. She will be able to remain a good companion to him for as long as is the alpha in the relationship. One of the most distinctive traits of the HSE woman is the relative absence of self-destructiveness from her personality. However, her high level of energy means that she is not suitable for every man. She can be the ideal woman for men who are exceptionally strong in both mind and body.
The HSE/LD Woman
This is also a very good woman, but certainly not suited as the sole woman for a man who is very HD. This woman’s sexuality is meant by nature to be sublimated as much as possible, in order to ensure the care of herself and her children. This is a good woman for a man who is very much into his business and who does not have too much time for romance. But the man should hope that she never meets a man who is able to act on her emotionality. In fact, this type of woman is also programmed to change herself into HD when she meets a man who presents a real mental challenge to her.
The HSE/LD woman could, under certain circumstances, feel very strong sexual attraction for a man who is strictly not in the position of her Provider but in the position of her Lover. Very often, this would be a man who does not live with her on her home territory. A man should always remember that the biological purpose of this woman is not so much the man, but rather the child.
The LSE/HD Woman
You do not want to be this woman’s husband or boyfriend, but you can be her Lover so long as you do not share keys to a home with her. This is the kind of woman who often has been verbally or physically abused by several former boyfriends or husbands. With a mere superficial observation she may seem to be the victim, but what happens in real life is that she will tend to test men for the most primitive and low-level Alpha qualities: skills for violence and abuse. Her extremely strong sexual drive is paired with a total lack of control over her emotionality and actions. This is obviously a dangerous woman. Among this group you can find a lot of man-haters, but more often in this group there are a lot of psychologically-disturbed women with a lot of self-destructive tendencies. Here, a strong sexual drive is linked to a feeling of being worthless as human being.
The LSE/LD Woman
You should not be her husband or boyfriend and neither should you be her Lover. This woman is usually continuously depressed. In this group you will find a lot of man-haters and women with Borderline Personality Disorder. What can be extremely dangerous about this type of woman is that she may seem to be, at first glance, a totally normal, shy woman who is kind and affectionate. In reality, behind that facade there is a woman who is used to owning men through the use of suffering and sexual deprivation. Slowly but surely, she brings any man who is with her into total submission, to his material detriment.
Many women are highly dependent on verbal stimulation to be able to enjoy their sexuality fully. As experienced players we have known for years that one of the main roads to having a woman sexually aroused is through the use of rich, verbal descriptions. Brizendine  states:
“Connecting through talking activates the pleasure centers in a girl’s brain. We’re not talking about a small amount of pleasure. This is huge. It’s a major dopamine and oxytocin rush, which is the biggest, fattest neurological reward you can get outside of an orgasm.”
In our experience, female arousal, and the pleasure connected with talking that Brizendine writes about, are actually not separated from each other. Bluntly put, effectively delivering rich, descriptive speech makes women horny.
But there is much more! A woman is dependent upon the actions and the attitude of her man with respect to how aroused she is able to become. That is, a woman is in some ways just like as it is written in the Bible; a part of the man’s body. This is because in order for her to be sexually receptive, she first has to find within a man a combination of several attributes. Based on our experience, a combination of male sexual dominance, and the skill of verbally stimulating emotions within a woman, will cause a very large number of women to become irresistibly sexually attracted.
Nature, however, has been cruel. It is not natural for most men to be so verbally descriptive. If a man is too verbally descriptive with a woman on an ongoing basis, this will eventually lead to the emasculation of this man, or the perception that he is a homosexual. In fact, such a man will tend to become more and more submissive as he agrees to verbally and emotionally open himself up to the woman.
When a man becomes more and more effeminate by opening himself up emotionally to a woman, female attraction towards that man will invariably plummet. This is because the relationship is lacking the other important quality that a woman needs for sexual arousal: male dominance. 2
When a man allows himself to open up to a woman for too long of a time, he is in effect being slowly transformed into a woman, from her point of view. At the very beginning, opening up in this way will create a huge increase in her sexual attraction, but eventually, if the man gives up his masculine dominance in the process, it will cause her to her lose her attraction for him.
2Decker Cunov, founder of the Authentic Man Program, has developed a coaching program teaching men to become emotionally open, while remaining fully masculine.
There is evidence that a man is able to arouse a woman via verbal stimulation due an incipient bisexuality in the female arousal process. Apparently, women can be aroused in two distinct ways:
1. Heterosexually, via male sexual dominance. This happens when men do what is natural to them: act dominant.
2. Bisexually or homosexually, via verbal stimulation. This is inherently a lesbian-type of arousal because the use of verbal, rich descriptions when arousing a female is not natural most to men.
According to Chivers et al. , female arousal is stimulated by both men and women:
“In contrast to men, both heterosexual and lesbian women tend to become sexually aroused by both male and female erotica, and, thus, have a bisexual arousal pattern.... These findings likely represent a fundamental difference between men’s and women’s brains and have important implications for understanding how sexual orientation development differs between men and women.” — J. Michael Bailey, professor and chair of psychology at Northwestern and senior researcher of the study “A Sex Difference in the Specificity of Sexual Arousal.”
It is vitally important to determine whether a woman is LD or HD before deciding whether to enter into a long-term relationship with her, because her behavior and the dynamics of a relationship with her will totally different, depending on her sex drive. We already gave you some guidelines by which to screen for a woman’s sex drive in Chapters 9 and 10.
Now, based on your deeper understanding of how and why women become sexually aroused, you have the tools to look deeper. When the topics of sex and sexuality come up in your conversation with a woman — and you have properly screened her as either HSE or LSE — then her reactions to such topics can also help to identify the level of her sex drive.
One huge mistake that men typically make in this area is not recognizing the nature of a woman’s tests. If a man is unsure of himself and his sexuality, a woman may in fact feign disinterest in sex, or act as if she is tired or busy, in order to test the man’s self-confidence and also to test the man’s sex drive. The worst thing you can do is act needy; that is, act as if sex is some sort of a gift that the woman bestows upon you in exchange for acting like a so-called “nice guy,” as described in Glover’s No More Mr. Nice Guy ). Needy behavior is often fatal to relationships.
It must also be noted that if you understand all of the concepts of this book and apply them rigorously, your partner’s sex drive should be higher during the time she is in a relationship with you than it would be otherwise. When you are sexually attracted to someone it is natural that your desire for sex would increase, either somewhat or a lot.
Instead of viewing sex as a woman’s gift to you, be a leader: someone who bestows sexual pleasure upon the woman and takes it for himself. If you know within yourself that you can bring a particular woman to orgasm, and you have identified the nature of her testing (HSE or LSE), then you can easily compare the level of her sex drive to yours.
Develop Masculine Sexual Leadership
One of the keys to great sexuality in a man is being able to master two seemingly-contradictory states of mind within yourself. For one, you need to be fully conscious of the signals the woman’s body and mind are giving off, in order to calibrate your movements and pace. On the other hand, acting like a subservient wussy, who is only concerned with the woman’s pleasure and ignorant of his own body, is a sexual turnoff to most women. Therefore, what you need in the bedroom, as anywhere else in life, are the qualities of a leader. A leader in this context is someone who is aware of his own body and his own pleasure — and he will take what he wants when he wants it — but at the same time he is sensitive to the needs of his partner, who also has a need to be pleased.
Once you have the experience and understanding to really, really please any woman both mentally and sexually, it will be much easier to gauge how much of a sex drive any particular woman has. You’ll be able to quickly ascertain how often a specific woman wants to come back for more in relation to how often you want sex. Even better, you will be able to quickly screen for a woman with whom you are most sexually compatible with before committing to a long-term relationship.