Dealing with the Madonna/whore Complex
I’m just a bad girl, that’s why we get along
Won’t make excuses for anything I’m doing wrong
I’ll pull the trigger in a flash
Watch out honey, step back
(Oooh) What’s the use in playing it safe?
(Oooh) Wouldn’t you rather misbehave?
— Dirty Laundry, by BitterSweet
By recognizing the true nature of women as passionate sexual creatures, and by eliminating from your mind the completely false choice that says a woman must either be a whore or a Madonna, you put yourself at a huge advantage over most men today. Because so few men really understand the Madonna/whore complex, you will soon discover that there is a whole world of women that are frustrated and lonely and looking for sexual adventures.
In order for her to truly express herself sexually, a woman needs to feel that the man she chooses to be with will not expose her to ridicule. She must be confident that he will not embarrass her in public or in front of her friends and family. Even more fearful for a woman is the prospect of being considered trash by the very man that she has chosen to give herself to sexually.
One of the crucial keys to having a lot of women feeling sexually comfortable with you as a man is to eliminate any traces of the Complex in your mind and attitude. What are some of the ways that you can let a woman know that you’ve completely eliminated the Complex from your life?
There are several things a man must do to relax the boundaries that society and he himself may be imposing on his sexual life. First, understand the traditional female response to the Complex, which is known as the Anti-Slut Defense (ASD). In the next chapter, we go into detail with regards to ASD and provide you with the tools you need to overcome it.
The next thing you need to do in relation to the Complex is to thoroughly examine your own belief system. Be honest with yourself and see whether you have any presence of the Complex within you. Then make a sincere and determined effort to get a deep understanding of how it has been affecting you and your views towards women.
Finally, subcommunicate to your lover or mate that wild sexual adventure is normal and healthy, even though you understand that it’s still important in our society to be very discreet about such beliefs and behavior. Let’s examine each of these points in more detail.
All of us have some aspect of the Complex. From the perspective of Evolutionary Psychology, the Complex may also serve to distinguish in both men and women such roles as the Lover versus the Provider. If you are currently in a loving relationship with a woman, consider the case where she reveals that she has always had a powerful fantasy of being penetrated by two men at once. How would you feel about this? Suppose you are deeply in love with this women. Does this revelation change your feelings for her? Would you be willing to allow her to explore this fantasy, or would you feel betrayed by her admission? Here is the social reality: most women have outrageous fantasies, while most men are completely, totally, and irrevocably unable to emotionally handle such rampant female sexuality.
But let’s say that, unlike most men, you wish to freely enjoy women in both aspects, Madonna and whore. In that case, you will need to rewire both yourself and your relationship in the following ways:
• First, make sure you are completely comfortable with the Madonna side of your relationship. This could take some work if you are currently in a rocky relationship, and you will need the baseline of trust and comfort. There are times when a woman wants to be motherly and feel like a lady. This does not mean that you will forfeit your leadership role in the relationship. However, there are times when a woman can properly enjoy taking care of her man and expressing tenderness and affection towards him. More on this point is covered in Chapter 19 ”Male Qualities Attractive to Women”.
• Become comfortable with your own sexual needs and desires. If you are uncomfortable with your very real desire to do X, Y or Z with some “slut” it is 100% certain your woman will feel uncomfortable with the idea as well. This may take some profound personal reevaluation.
• Understand your personal boundaries. Write them out if necessary. Be detailed and very specific. Imagine situations that “couldn’t possibly happen.”
• Start subcommunicating that you are comfortable with sexually expressive women. That “sluttinesss” is a sexually attractive quality. This is easy when it’s true.
• Lose your ego. It is very likely that your woman fantasizes about other men once in a while. Possibly even when you are sexually engaged. That is, while you are pretending she is Pamela Andersen, she may be pretending you are Jude Law (or whomever). It’s normal. Deal with it. Play with it even, if you’re man enough.
• Establish a deep, intimate, loving connection with her such that your interactions with her are appreciative. That is, you are not giving with the expectation of being repaid by her, but rather, you are giving to her out of appreciation. Once you are able to truly appreciate a woman as an intensely sexual being, she will feel much more comfortable deeply opening herself up to you. And you will feel comfortable with the responsibility that such trust entails.
• Make sure that your normal sexual relations with the woman are otherwise outstanding. Make sure she is thoroughly and properly well-sexed.
• At this point, sexual experimentation is almost a given. She will want to be sexually experimental with you!
If at any point during this process, your woman feels any judgement about her sexuality from you, or feels any social pressure from friends or family, it’s game over. At least temporarily. For this reason, the quality of discretion is also very important. For more information on how to use discretion in your dealings with women, please see Chapter 5 on female subcommunication and Chapter 18 on the Anti-Slut Defense.
Have a Realistic View of the Woman
The best way to avoid the deleterious influence of the Complex is to have enough real-life experience with women. Young men should avoid committed relationships with women if they do not first have more casual relationships with women, especially if they come from a cultural background where the Complex is very much present, such as North America. If you believe in marriage and want to marry that one special woman you meet while you are still young, then it is absolutely crucial that you pay attention to female psychology and that you dedicate yourself to the understanding of the female psyche and a woman’s emotional life.
If you get into a relationship with a woman, without first having a realistic view of what it actually means to be a woman — including all of the psychological and cultural forces at work that we’ve discussed here — then be assured that you are going to face a lot of trouble and disappointment. A realistic view of women starts with the acceptance that they are sexual human beings with healthy sexual desires. The cultural influences that we’ve been bombarded with since childhood regarding Madonnas and whores does not reflect reality. The Madonna/whore complex is in fact an extremely sick, dissociative distortion of reality.
The Female View of Sex and Politics
Another factor which makes this even more complicated is the fact that the Complex has very much to do with gender politics and the balance of power between men and women. One woman under the effect of the Complex can create for herself a life where her sexuality has been totally taken out of the equation when it comes to her relationships with men. A different woman may be able to remove the ”Madonna” part from her life completely and effectively use her sexuality as a means to achieve social power.
For example, the woman who sacrifices herself and her relationships in favor of her secular career is actually under the effect of the Complex. The woman who deliberately suppresses all of her natural needs for emotional connection and love, and who uses sex as a means to achieve power over men, is also under the effect of the Complex, but for different reasons.
Case Study: The Pastor
One recent case in the US news involves Ted Haggard, a prominent pastor of a large Evangelical denomination. For whatever reason, conjugal relations with his wife did not provide enough sexual fulfillment for him, leading our unfortunate pastor into the realm of hot, gay, tweaker sex. This cost him his job of course, once he got busted. Although many facts of the case are not at all clear, it is self-evident that Mr. Haggard was not sexually satisfied within the constraints of his marriage.
Individual psychology is very complex and in the case in question, issues connected with both the inner psychological world as well as issues connected with interpersonal relationships are likely to be involved. Although we cannot say for certain, Mr. Haggard is congruent with the Madonna/whore Complex. We can also see evidence of the Complex in society’s reaction to this case. The magnitude of the public reaction demonstrates just how deeply this Complex is ingrained in our society.
One of the aims of this book is to educate men, so that they can have a more relaxed and realistic view of female sexuality. We believe that many of these types of problems could be avoided, if men and women could learn to meet each other’s sexual needs without having to psychologically dissociate from each other, and without this compulsion to divide women into two pieces in a schizophrenic way. While homosexuality is very well accepted in many civilized countries, a single honorable man’s entire life’s work may be permanently damaged by his psychological dissociation of sexuality. It is obvious that this dissociation of sexuality that is caused by the Complex is very harmful and is the cause of such a huge collective reaction of denial. In this case there is evidence of a psychotic group reaction coming from within the pastor’s religious social network.
Case Study: The Sports Celebrity
In another case, O.J. Simpson, a famous sports celebrity, had been accused of the murder of his own wife and her lover. Evidence about his terrible jealousy towards her and his abusive behavior have been widely reported in the media. The existence of the Madonna/whore Complex is in this case evident. It seems that Mr. Simpson was regularly cheating on his wife, while at the same time jealously accusing her of the very same act. He apparently could not accept the fact that she is a whole woman, and that the jealousy within him reflects a denial of his woman’s sexual desire. Mr. Simpson was acquitted of all the criminal charges against him, but he did in fact come dangerously close to the electric chair. Mr. Simpson’s reaction toward his wife can be considered to be a focused psychotic reaction, in that it is manifested specifically towards one situation and one person. At the root of such a psychotic reaction is once again the Madonna/whore Complex.
Case Study: The Prince
In another country, Prince Charles of Wales and his relationship to a very wild, adventurous woman named Lady Diana Spencer was regularly reported on in the media. The wife of the Prince, Ms. Spencer, now deceased, was what we would define as an LSE Adventuress type of woman. She had suffered from bulimia and from personal identity problems and from depression. In spite of these LSE traits, Ms. Spencer was a great woman, dedicated to children and to many charitable works.
As far as we can surmise, Prince Charles too is a great man who is devoted to his country. However, he faced a recurring problem with his former wife. We can make an educated guess that he was probably too much of a “Nice Guy” for a woman like Lady Diana. A Nice Guy is someone who is not able to recognize an Adventuress for who she is: a woman who has possibly suffered from neglect in her childhood, who is often in constant need of attention, and usually craves a high degree of external stimulation in one form or another. The Nice Guy will quite often and quite easily commit the terrible mistake of trying to “fix her” or “improve her.”
For a woman of the Adventuress type, attention and validation are of paramount concern in her life, and her sexuality is often deeply connected with those needs. It is important to note how Diana’s sexuality seemed to flourish as soon as she found another man who is what we would call a “tough guy” or a “bad boy.” It was widely reported that she appeared quite happy for the first time in many years. Still, she continued to live a self-destructive life. The story ends with her tragic death in a car accident in Paris, a death whose circumstances are still unclear.
What if Prince Charles would have been able to deal with Ms. Spencer more effectively? Would she still be alive? It is possible that a whole web of psychotic reactions had been caused as a result of the Prince’s inability to acknowledge or properly handle the free-mindedness of his wife, triggering a long and complex chain of events which eventually led to her death.