You should be stronger than me
Don’t you know you supposed to be the man?
You always wanna talk it through I don’t care!
Why’d you always put me in control?
— Stronger Than Me by Amy Winehouse
One of the most important aspects to understand about female psychology is the use and existence of a type of language known as subcommunication. It is a secret language evolved by women over millennia in a male-dominated world. In this secret language women communicate their sexuality freely but in a way that most men cannot hear or understand. Women have learned the hard way through millennia that men have a psychological need to create a type of schizophrenic distinction among women, slotting all women into a category of either “whores” or “Madonnas”.
Subcommunication is based on communicating with indirection, double meaning, ambiguity, emotionality and imprecision for the following purposes:
• To preserve social harmony.
• To avoid responsibility and establish plausible deniability.
• To signal intent, as in “Tell without telling, ask without asking.”
• To establish boundaries and frames of interactions.
• To avoid commitment; maintain ambivalence; keep options open.
Furthermore, subcommunication imposes upon the recipient the responsibility of correctly interpreting the meaning.
In this chapter, we will focus on subcommunication within the context of female sexuality.
Basis for Subcommunication
Men, throughout history, have traditionally wanted to own women and women’s bodies. In response, women had to invent a secret language that their oppressor could not understand, but that other women could easily understand.
Women protect themselves using subcommunication when direct communication is dangerous. For example, women can be quite promiscuous, yet the consequences for being promiscuous throughout history has often meant ostracism or even death for the woman, and humiliation for their families and the men that they are partnered with. No woman wants to be called a slut, which is exactly what happens even to modern, western women who are not sufficiently circumspect when discussing matters of female sexuality outside of trusted circles of friends.
As a result, while talking to each other and to men, women have learned to speak in this secret language. One of the purposes of this book is to disclose to men the secrets of Female Subcommunication, to be a translator of “womanese” to men. To be able to truly love a woman for who she is, a man must be able to read between the lines when it comes to her communication.1
In contrast to women, men practice more of a direct style of communication. Men approach subjects of conversation in a manner which is more straight-to-the-point. Women, on the other hand, prefer to subcommunicate.
Another reason for Female Subcommunication is the female preference for harmony of communication over absolute truth. The more feminine the woman, the more she will prefer harmony to the objective truth. On the other hand, what is intended as the truth in the masculine world is something which is usually said succinctly, directly and in synthetic way.
Men gain social power by penetrating the space around them, through logic and mathematics and via physical strength and endurance. Women gain social power by communication, and will often try to avoid, at all costs, any appearance of social conflict. Female Subcommuniation is especially used in order to achieve social power through manipulation of their social counterparts, such that their social counterparts are persuaded to give women what they want.
We can even observe biological reasons for the differences between female and male styles of communication. As we’ve already mentioned, the female brain seems to actually be structured differently than the male brain, in significant ways, and in particular when it comes to the processing of language. It can be observed on the neuropsychological level that female language is much more descriptive and rich, whereas male language tends to be much shorter and precise.
In a recent book called The Female Brain , Dr. Louann Brizendine claims that women actually devote more brain cells to talking than men do. Women actually get a chemical high from talking, and that would explain why they love to talk so much and why many men do not posess the same level of verbal communications skills that women do. While many of Brizendine’s findings have been disputed and harshly criticized, we have no doubt that the average woman possesses a social intelligence that the average man cannot conceive of. With the knowledge we provide you with here, however, you will be able to understand female communication on a whole new level, putting you in a category above and beyond the vast majority of men in the world.
From the point of view of most women, male communication is extremely poor and boring. For most men, female language is incredibly imprecise, infuriatingly vague and, when exposed to it for extended periods of time, becomes extremely stressful for the man. The end result is that it is a rare man indeed who is actually able to read between the lines of female communication. Typically, such a rare man will be a so-called “natural”, or an experienced seducer.
Because of these differences, most men and women feel a great deal of dissatisfaction when it comes to their communication with the opposite sex. While we can certainly improve in our communication with each other, we can never eradicate these differences completely because they are largely determined by the different brain structures of men and women.
Most men go through life never even realizing that women subcommunicate. A lot of men are raised primarily by their mothers and they form a strong impression of women as either “Madonnas” or “whores,” because of the strong social conditioning put into their heads by their mothers and society at large. There are also a group of strong alpha men who grow up with either a non-existent or very weak feminine side and for this reason they also end up with very little knowledge of women and the way women communicate.
In the latter group, we find men of great strength and value, such as military men or very successful businessmen. Ironically, these men may simultaneously become very emasculated within their relationships with their wives. These guys often sense that something strange is going on but they cannot pinpoint what it is. Often, out of frustration, such men will make the mistake of either completely cutting off communication with their partners, or perhaps even worse, taking everything their woman says at face value.
1Throughout this book, we will use the terms “womanese” and “subcommunication” interchangeably to refer to the female style of indirect — and often secret — conversation.
Phenomenology of Female Subcommunication
One of the core features of female subcommunication is ambivalence. One way to describe this is as “A/B Ambivalence”, where the woman will leave open the possibility of either interpretation “A” or interpretation “B” with regards to her communication, without her taking any position either way. The woman may achieve this through open-ended statements, which leave the responsibility for interpreting the subject of communication with the recipient, with little help in regard to it from the communicator.
Evolutionarily, this approach to communication can be seen as good business for the woman, because she can protect herself via ambiguity while at the same time leaving the door open for a variety of different possible social interactions. The more effective a woman is at the art of subcommuniction the greater her social power. And as we’ve already mentioned, women achieve power in a distinctly social way.
To see further the difference in communication styles between men and women, consider the way each gender tends to deliver advice to friends of the same sex. For example, a masculine man will tend to give advice to his best friend regarding his alcohol problem, first by being silent for as long as possible, but then finally sitting down with his friend and saying: “Man, you are destroying your health, you gotta stop that drinking now!” without too much concern for empathy or understanding.
A woman in the same situation is unlikely to take a direct position about the drinking, but rather — taking an approach of subcommunication — she is more likely to show empathy and make an effort to understand her friend, in the hope that she will change.
Of course, as we know, both approaches are very likely to fail miserably if the person has a severe drinking problem, but it is always good to try. The illustration is merely meant to highlight the different approaches to communication generally taken by men and women.2
2The authors will use this in their seductions. They will temporarily give up the usage of male, logical language and will begin to subcommunicate meanings to women with open-ended statements. When this happens, women tend to feel: “Wow! A man who can really communicate!”
Effect of Subcommunication on the Male Brain
Female subcommunication has another very important role from the point of view of the survival of the species. It happens to be highly hypnotic to the male brain!
What has been described as romantic love by poets is actually — on the biological level — a strategy of nature designed to achieve pregnancy. A hypnotic state is basically a state of extreme concentration, where a person becomes oblivious to his or her surroundings while lost in thought. This can be achieved specifically by ambivalent stimulus coming from the female, whose biological purpose is to bind the male to her via a state of focused attention on her. Hormonal changes connected with sexual attraction make this focused state an extremely powerful motivator for the male.
Therefore, awareness of a woman’s ambivalent, subcommunicated style of language is key to a modern man being able to enjoy lasting and happy relationships.
Being unaware of female subcommunication will tend to make a man weaker over time and will cause him many difficulties. When a man finds himself in this hypnotic state for extended periods of time, he is more likely to do almost anything to please his woman, even at the expense of his own welfare. The paradoxical result of this is that she will gradually lose her sexual and human interest in him. Eventually, she is likely to even feel contempt for him.
Consider courting. When courting, a man who puts a woman’s daily welfare above his own may find that the successful courtship induces suspicion and jealousy in the woman. How is she to trust such a man, who could squander resources on a beguiling competitor, perhaps a younger woman!
Many pathological male reactions that can be observed within couple relationships are in fact a desperate defense mechanism, employed by men who have no skills with women. These reactions are meant to avoid the hypnotic state of focused attention on the female. For example:
• Violence used as an attempt to avoid the mental distress he suffers in connection with being faced with her subcommunication and ambivalence.
• Overt contempt of the woman and of women in general, used for the same purpose as above.
• Avoiding communication and attempts to isolate himself emotionally. Again, used for the same purposes.
Although a frustrated man may feel driven to employ such strategies as listed above, it should be fairly clear that those methods will prove to be ineffective in the long run.
An experienced man is able to make the best of this situation by relating to the woman in a challenging way, by indicating to her that he is aware of her subcommunication and that he understands it. A man is only able to challenge a woman in this way if he is aware of the hypnotic effect of female language and is able to deal with it properly. In absence of this skill he will:
1. Either focus too much of his mental energy on her, and as a result become someone who is directed by her; Or
1. Separate himself emotionally from her by cutting off communication with her.
Franco once picked up a girl on the train with this line: “My name is Bond, James Bond.” They met up and she seemed to be attracted but Franco noticed some signs of discomfort in her when he drew physically closer to her. Her reactive statement was: “You should shave your beard better”, while touching his face. At first Franco believed this was a test but it was not so. Later on he understood that it was actually a blueprint. A blueprint is a subcommunicated emotion through which the woman is describing something that she likes or dislikes with all of her heart. Franco came to the conclusion — by free association — shave the beard → soft skin → woman’s skin → Bingo! She likes women!
After a few weeks they became friends and the woman revealed the truth to Franco: she was completely lesbian and actually only would be with men in the role of a gold digger. She had been married four times and was always moving to a better apartment, paid for by men whom in reality she did not enjoy at all. She introduced Franco to her lesbian lover, too! So, it was all about her subcommunicated messages, which as you can see, revealed a great deal about her inner personality. Did any of her husbands understand this during their long marriages with her?
It should be noted that the ability to derive such definitive conclusions, as Franco did in the above example, is acquired by applying the lessons we are teaching you, repeatedly over time. The good news is, the moment you start to apply these lessons in your everyday interactions with women, the quicker you will deepen your understanding of Female Subcommunication. In other words, only with experience will you likely be able to make such snap judgments with accuracy. The above example does not mean that women preferring smoothly-shaven men are bisexual or lesbian. Franco’s epiphany came from understanding the subcommunication with this particular woman.
She is Keeping her Options Open
Given the importance of subcommunication, let’s dig in and find out more. As you will see, using subcommunication is a wonderful way of keeping one’s options open, establishing plausible deniability while signaling intent, establishing boundaries, and for generally discussing any kind of topic without actually seeming to discuss it. While subcommunication infuriates men who haven’t learned the language, make no mistake: women can and will exercise logic and direct speech, when it best suits their purpose!
Suppose you are out on a date with a woman, and you suggest a quick stop by your apartment to pick something up. Out of the blue she may say “OK, but we’re not having sex.” Most men would would be baffled by such a statement, especially if they had no previous intention of having sex anyway. However, what the woman is subcommunicating is something completely different than whether or not sex will actually occur.
Here is what’s really happening: First, she is testing your response. If you get flustered by such a statement, she most certainly will not consider having sex with you. If your response is “Yeah, so, that was pretty random, who’s talking about sex here?” the door for sexual engagement remains open.
Second, she is establishing a frame of interaction where she is taking no responsibility for the outcome. If she ends up naked in your bed, well, that’s not her fault because she said “no sex.” Never mind that it “just happened.” Third, the next day she can tell anyone who asks “I specifically told him “no sex” before I went into his apartment.”
Be that Man
Of course, anyone well-versed in the art of subcommunication understands all the nuances contained in such statements, but generally, these are not the people that will judge her behavior. We realize that many readers find this form of communication absolutely infuriating. Men have railed against it through the ages, complaining about women’s deviousness and deceitfulness. What these men don’t realize is that you can’t have it both ways. You need to understand that for a woman to promote and maintain harmony within her environment, emotional states are more important to her than physical facts.
In other words, a woman may very well lie, or at least shade the truth, in order to preserve positive emotional states or prevent negative emotional states. Here is the most important part: even when women “lie” with their mouths, their bodies or emotions may be telling the real truth. The rare man that can penetrate these words and handle the truth — as the woman feels it — is a man who is very well-loved by women, indeed.
Women will never completely disclose their language to men, in part because women themselves dwell in this linguistic paradise mostly unconsciously. And they also do not disclose this language to us because they understand that a man truly versed in the art of subcommunication finds himself with great power over women. One key way for you to achieve this power is by cultivating the quality of discretion.
Discretion is the quality that we display as a signal to the woman that we are aware of the prevalence in society of the Madonna/whore Complex, and that we have personally dealt with it. You will read a great deal more about the Madonna/whore Complex in Chapters 16 and 17, but for now, realize that the Complex presents a real danger for a woman in our world. At the very least, the woman can sense danger from it in her subconscious mind. How do you subcommunicate to a woman that she is safe being sexual with you?
Men who are enjoying many sexual partners do not need to brag about their conquests as if they somehow “got lucky”. Men who want to enjoy the company of many women must first learn to cultivate and display the quality of discretion. Such men are comfortable with women and their sexuality, and at the same time they know when to keep their mouths shut. they are not disturbed by female sexual expression and at the same time they know how to discreetly create the circumstances that will allow women the freedom to express themselves.
While he loves and enjoys sex and has no embarrassment about his sexual desires as a healthy man, sex is not something so rare and unusual for him that he is compelled to reveal private details to a woman’s friends, or even his own friends.
Subcommunication in the Workplace
We believe that it is perfectly possible for men and women to be honest and direct with each other about their sexuality and emotional lives, but as long as subcommunication will be the female’s preferred means of communication in this arena, we believe that men who live and work in our modern society should learn the art of subcommunication themselves. In social environments such as the workplace, this is particularly important.
Women can freely discuss dating and issues surrounding men in a mixed male/female work place using subcommunication. All women know that the term “hooking up” has several possible connotations, which may or may not mean sexual intercourse. Surprisingly, however, not that many men really understand this. On the contrary, men haven’t had to develop the language of subcommunication and indirection, so men do not have the universal “code” that women seem to have regarding these topics.
The result on the modern, mixed workplace is often devastating. Women are free to talk and gossip, but men are not. The law in many jurisdictions states that language that makes women merely feel uncomfortable in the workplace can constitute “sexual harassment”, for which there are exceedingly stiff penalties. Basically, women today believe they have a legal right to feel good while they are at work. Strangely enough, they are right.
Men discussing women at work are usually applying male logic to situations that they have little experience with. This is, of course, a natural and normal thing for a man to do. Women recognize that males pooling their knowledge about individual women will very shortly develop a collective wit that will be applicable to all women. That is, these men will learn very quickly how to strip women of their power. For this reason, some women — although not all — may even object strongly to your acquisition of this knowledge.
Talk Like a Man
Men should always strive to cultivate the skills necessary to communicate in a manly way. Masculine subcommunication cannot be identical to feminine subcommunication, because that case the man will become too effeminate. The result of this will be that women will lose sexual attraction for him.
One of the aims of this book is to help you to actively improve the great mismatch between men and women when it comes to the art of communication and social intelligence. We believe that a man like you can acquire many of the skills that the average female now enjoys, without having to deny your own sexuality and masculine identity in order to do accomplish it.
John Gray, in his landmark book Men are From Mars, Women are from Venus , did a great job explaining how men and women communicate differently and how a man can effectively converse with a woman in the female language. What John Gray’s book left out, however, was the crucial factor that a man must retain his masculinity in the relationship, and he cannot do so if he is engaging in too much feminine conversation with his partner over a long period of time. It is therefore vital to note that to be happy in your relationships with women, and in order to make them happy, you need to learn how to talk in the female language, and also to withdraw from that type of conversation at the appropriate time.
You should seriously strive to cultivate a state of awareness when in the company of women, because female ambivalence and subcommunication are not things to be underestimated. In fact, if you allow yourself to relax too much and keep yourself in an unaware state, you will completely miss the meaning of female communication. Accept the fact that it is instinctual for women to express themselves in this indirect way.
To be able to deal with female subcommunication you need to shift from a mindset where you take everything she says at face value, to a mindset where you interpret what she says and put it through a subcommunication filter, as it were. Women do speak directly when it serves their purpose — some women more than others — and this must be accounted for as well. In fact, subcommunication is very effective when mixed with direct language. Also, remember that female subcommunication often has an underlying, sexual meaning! The more a woman subcommunicates in your presence, the more she may be sexually attracted to you.
In “politically-correct” countries it is common for many women — especially those not in touch with their femininity — to go through phases of dating a masculine man, followed by a nice, more effeminate man, to be followed by another masculine man, and so on. If you want to present a challenge to a modern woman, you have to learn how to keep yourself on the edge between masculine and feminine, but with an emphasis towards the masculine.
Therefore, to increase sexual and emotional arousal within a woman you will need to learn to shift between two identities in an almost schizophrenic manner. At times you will want to talk to women in a very masculine way: directly, succinctly and logically. At other times, you will want to you talk to women in the same manner that a female friend might do. To be able to use subcommunication, you will need to continuously practice the art, because it is not the natural mode of conversation for a man.
Why you need to alternate between two styles of conversation? Because when it comes to the modern woman, she will alternate between preferring one style or the other, depending on the circumstances.
To make a woman happy — whether in the context of a committed relationship or in a lighter and less-committed interaction — you need to learn how to talk womanese while at the same time keeping your focus on your masculine attitude. If you leave out the art of speaking in womanese, you run the risk of becoming a cold, distant and boring person in her eyes. If you become too much of an expert in speaking womanese, she will no longer distinguish you from a woman and she will certainly lose attraction for you, whether quickly or over time.
The described alternation between male and female talk is actually extremely seductive to women. In seduction, anything which causes polarity will also be sexually stimulating. One basic aspect of the female psyche is the need for both stimulation and polarity. When you meet that need in a woman you make her happy. One of the main characteristics of today’s woman is boredom, mixed with a search for emotional stimulation. By being the man who is able to talk womanese while at the same time remaining a real, masculine man, you put yourself far above almost all other men in her eyes. In fact, she will feel completely challenged when a man — who may even be a stereotypical computer programmer — will start to communicate with her in womanese while still leading her like a man.
David once worked as a contractor in the same office as a significantly younger woman — we’ll call her “W” — who was also a contractor to the same client. That is, neither he nor she were employees. Now W was short — perhaps 5’3” — and a bit thick — maybe 145 pounds — but with a definite sexual presence about her. She definitely worked what she had to her maximum advantage.
Some light banter and deep eye contact established mutual attraction early on. At one point, one of her supervisors — we’ll call him “R” — entered the room in which they were working. The conversation turned abruptly from discussing “work” to this:
W: “Hey, R... such a jerk” (then playfully, to me) “He called me fat the other day.”
R: “I did not!”
D: (playfully to her) “You’re so huge.”
W: “I’m not a pound over 300.”
D: (playfully to her) “You’re big as a barn. At least 400 pounds.”
Now what the hell does her weight have to do with anything? This conversation is a total non-sequitur to the man not wellversed in subcommunication. But to the man fluent in womanese, this conversation is loaded with meaning. Specifically, she was acknowledging her attraction to David. And more importantly, this woman was indirectly, with subcommunication, evaluating his comfort level with her weight; whether or not David would judge her personally or make her feel bad in any way.
Note: W was not “subcommunicating” in a conscious way. She had simply learned through experience with men several lessons:
1. Most men are judgmental about a woman’s looks.
1. Most men are more worried about what other men will think than they are about having a good time with a woman.
1. Most men will “cop and blow,” treating her with contempt after they get what they want from her.
Also through experience, W has learned how to swiftly and unconsciously evaluate men. It doesn’t take much for a woman to figure out where a man stands with respect to her looks.